If
you were to ask me, Tyrone what kind of marital relationship do you and your
wife have today? I would tell you we
have a great relationship, but we are still learning and growing together as a
couple. We understand as a couple, we
are both different individuals with different emotional needs. Two of those emotional needs are to be
“loved” and “respected”. In fact in this
week’s blog, we will deal with these two needs that every marriage must have,
in order to experience a healthy marital relationship. We definitely know that love is needed in a
marriage relationship, because it is how we grow together in our affection and
commitment with our spouse.
Unconditional love is the chord that binds a husband and wife together
as a couple. Also, respect is needed in
a marriage, and I believe it is a by-product of love in action.
Actually,
Dr. Emerson Eggrich who wrote the book “Love and Respect”, spoke about the fact
that a woman needs love, and a man needs respect. In his book, he uses data collected by a
group called “Decision Analyst, Inc.”
The group did a national survey on male-female relationships, and one of
the questions was “Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on
day-to-day issues. In the middle of a
conflict with my wife, I am more likely to be feeling: (a) That my wife doesn’t
respect me or (b) That my wife doesn’t love me.” An astonishing 81.5 % of the men surveyed
selected “a” concluding they felt disrespected.
Deep down they were secure in their wife’s love but they sure did not
feel like she respected them. When women
were asked a similar question and the results were almost identically
reversed. Women said they felt unloved
when there was conflict. She felt
distance, even rejection, when the marriage was tense. Dr.
Eggrich concluded that a wife “needs love just as she needs air to breathe”,
and a husband “needs respect just as he needs air to breathe.”
Dr. Eggrich research isn’t saying women don’t want to be respected, and men don’t want to be loved, but what it is showing how women and men are wired differently. Even God spoke on the subject of male-female relationship in marriage. It is a biblical principle where the husband is commanded to love his wife, and the wife is commanded to respect her husband. In Ephesians 5:33 it says “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Husbands, real love is serving our wives unconditionally with no strings attached to meet her need for being loved and appreciated. Wives, real respect is honoring and esteeming your husbands by admiring and building him up.
As
husbands and wives, it is important for us to begin recognizing our spouse’s
need to be loved and respected.
Husbands, when our wife says to us “I feel unloved right now because of
________”, she is crying out to us and we shouldn’t react negatively to
her. Likewise, wives when your husband
says to you “I feel disrespected right now because of _________”, he is crying
out to you, and you shouldn’t respond negatively to him. That’s why we must keep a line of
communication with our spouse, where we can talk authentically and
transparently with them without feeling judged or criticized. Being able to talk to each other will allow
us to work together to try to meet one another’s needs.
We
must be sensitive to our spouse’s feelings, listen to their frustrations
without criticizing them, and know their intentions are good only wanting the
best for us and the marriage. I know my
wife has expressed to me, how she felt unloved because I wasn’t giving her nonsexual
touches now, like I did when we were dating.
Nonsexual touches like: holding her hand when we walk together, and
opening the car door for her before getting into the car. These nonsexual touches communicated that I
loved and valued her as my wife. I have shared
with my wife how I felt disrespected by the way she has said something to me
before. The thing is, we want the best
for one another so we can meet each other’s needs. Husbands, if you want a satisfying marital
relationship with your wife, then seek to meet her need to be loved. Wives, if you want a satisfying marital
relationship with your husband, focus on meeting his need to be respected. Love
and respect, is a great combination for a couple, because when a woman is loved
by her husband, and a man is respected by his wife, it opens the door for the
two of them to become one.
Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.
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