WHAT A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER

Wow!  My wife and I experienced a wonderful weekend on May 1-3, in Reston, Va., at a Family Life Today marriage conference called, “A Weekend To Remember”.  We enjoyed listening to different speakers, meeting new couples, working on projects together, writing our love letters to each other, going on a date night, and just talking and expressing ourselves to one another.  We have attended several Family Life Today marriage conferences before in our 30 years of marriage.  If you haven’t heard of Family Life Today, it is an organization that is committed to helping people have strong marriages and families.  Family Life Today has been around for more than three decades, helping couples build healthier marriages and raising thriving kids.  I believe whether you are a couple that is struggling in your marriage, or is having a successful marriage, this organization has resources and tools to help your marriage and family grow.      

In this blog let me dispel a myth center around why married couples attend marriage conferences.  There are some people who believe couples only attend marriage conferences because, they are experiencing problems and conflicts in their marriage, or they must be on the brink of getting a divorce.  Some people don’t think that couples attend marriage conferences to have a better marital relationship.  A person can take their car to a mechanic to get it serviced regularly, or go to their doctor for an annual physical, and nobody thinks anything of it.  Let a couple go to a marriage conference, and the first thing some people assume is they must be having problems.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some married couples who come to a conference like “A Weekend To Remember”, whose marriage is hanging on by a tread.  They are coming to save their marriage, and I applaud them for having the mindset to fight and try to save their marriage.  We live in a culture that has a view point, if you are not happy in your marriage, you should get out of it.  This kind of thinking totally disregards the marriage vows taken by couples, which say “For better or for worse.”  

I believe it takes much more effort to fight to keep a strong, healthy, and thriving marriage.  The reason why I say this is when our marriage is going strong we tend to relax, and begin to take our spouse for grant it.  We stop doing the things that caused us to have a close relationship with our spouse, and we slowly drift apart in isolations from them.  As a result we start to throw ourselves into our job, children, hobbies, and other people besides our spouse to help meet our emotional needs.   The danger of being isolated from our husband or wife is, it can lead to an extramarital affair which can destroy our marriage.  It is important that we continue to work on our marriage, by consciously spending time connecting spiritually, emotionally, and relationally with our mate.  This will draw us closer together with our spouse causing us to be one with them.   

Attending marriage conferences help us to continue to fight for our marriage.  In the conference the material that we covered dealt with such topics such as: Why marriages fail, Can we talk? - Communication, Unlocking the mystery of marriage, From how to wow, and What every marriage needs.   My wife and I were inspired to keep on working on our marriage together, and doing the things to make our relationship even better.  We talked about how we can get caught up in our work, and become isolated from each other.  We determined that we would guard against this from happening, by balancing our time with work and spending time with one another.  Also I realized how I’ve unconsciously stopped doing certain things, I used to do in our marriage that caused us to connect with each other.  Things such as squeezing my wife’s hand three times indicating to her, that “I love you” while holding it.  Couples, I encourage you whether you have a great marriage or a struggling one, I recommend attending A Weekend To Remember marriage conference.  Your great marriage can become greater, and your struggling marriage can get on the road of recovery.  I believe the conference will help you get the assistance you need to rekindle the passion in your marriage.  Let’s have a thriving marriage together.   

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

MOTHERHOOD NO INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED - Part 2

Today I am continuing my blog on “Motherhood No Instructions Included – Part2”.  Last week I shared with you when I became a mother, I didn’t receive an instruction manual on motherhood.  Basically as mothers no instructions are given to inform us how to become a successful mom.  We face our greatest challenges and fears when it comes to parenting our children, because there are no two children that are alike, they all have different personalities.  Last week I shared with you the first lesson I learned that helped me as a mom, and today I will share the next two points.

1.         Every child is different so get to know them and parent them accordingly. 

            (Refer back to last week’s blog on May 12, 2015 to read this point)

2.         Learn how to break their will without crushing their spirit.  This is one of the most important principles that helped me as a mom.  We have to correct our children but there is a way to do so.  I never disciplined by calling my children names such as bad, stupid or any other title that fits into this category.  Sometimes we think if we belittle our children, it will motivate them to be better or to act better.  However, when we belittle them, it crushes their spirit and those words can hinder their confidence and ability to soar in life.  They may not show it right away but it comes up later in life.  We also crush their spirit when we are authoritarian parent [NOTE; EXPLAIN THIS TERM].  I established with my children early in life that I was the parent and there were certain things that I would not allow (disrespect, hitting me, etc.).  Even though I didn’t encounter these things, before they were three, I did set the tone of who was “in charge” without doing it in an authoritative way. I did this in a way that broke their will without crushing their spirit.  I established rules but also worked on establishing a relationship because as Josh McDowell says “rules without relationship equals rebellion.”  I had rules but I also focused on relationship so it did not drive my children away from me.

3.         You have to be their parent and be okay with not being popular.  My oldest daughter said to me on Mother’s Day that she couldn’t believe that at one time she didn’t appreciate me being her mom.  About four years ago (when she was 24) she began to appreciate me as “mom” and is always finding a way to verbally express that.  This journey of appreciation came after a period of going through the teen years where I had to make certain decisions that did not make me popular with her. However, I was okay with not being popular at that time because I knew I had to be her parent and that even though she did not appreciate me then, there would come a day when she would.  How did I know that  . . . because I felt the same way about my mom.  A lot of times as moms, we are more concerned about being popular and being our children’s friend.  We have to find a way to be a parent and be their friend.  However being a “friend” doesn’t always mean you make decisions that they will like or agree with at the moment but being a friend means you will make decisions that you know will help them even if they don’t see it then.

There is a biblical principle that speaks about how the “virtuous woman” is blessed by her children in Proverbs 31:28.  This woman the Bible describes is blessed by her children.  She is blessed by her children not because of being the perfect mom, but because she lovingly takes care of her home and as a result, she has their respect.  The job of a mother is a great responsibility that God has given to us as women.  It takes being a student of your children and of motherhood in order to succeed.  I believe we all have the desire to want to parent correctly and be successful at raising a family in today’s society.  Be encourage even if you are not doing everything right, you can never go wrong by focusing on building a relationship with your children above everything else.  

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

MOTHERHOOD NO INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED - Part 1

This week I have a guest blogger . . . my lovely wife, Donna.  She is going to share with you over the next two weeks on the topic of “Motherhood – No Instructions Included.”  I hope you enjoy reading it.

I had a wonderful Mother’s Day.  I hope you did too.  I spent it with my “four favorite people” . . . my husband and my three children.  I am so grateful for the relationship that I have with my three grown children.  As I look back, it has been a journey filled with trial and error . . . ups and downs…highs and lows . . . but overall it has been a rewarding one.

I don’t know about you but I’m the type of person that when I buy any kind of gadget or product that comes with instructions, I read them or at least glance at them to make sure I understand the basics of how to operate what I purchased.  However, when you have a child, there are no instructions that come with that child that specifically gives you the perfect formula of how to raise him or her successfully.

I believe most moms have a sense of joy about carrying and delivering a child, and at the same time, we have a sense of uncertainty about being a great mom.  I can’t speak for others but I know this is what I felt.  I also felt that motherhood was one of my greatest challenges in life.  Even though I didn’t have specific instructions for each child, I did do a lot of reading on parenting and being a mother.  I also referred to radio programs such as “Focus on the Family” and “Family Life Today” for guidance.  The relationship that I enjoy with my children today is due in part to what I learned from others who had already traveled the path that I was embarking upon.  Even though children don’t come with “specific” instructions, there are some general principles that we can glean from to help us parent children who we can enjoy raising into adults.

Here are three lessons that I’ve learned that have helped me as a mom.  Today I will like to share one of them with you:

1.         Every child is different so get to know them and parent them accordingly. 

We have a tendency to parent our children the way we were raised.  While we may feel like our mom was great, we have to be careful not to repeat everything with our children.   I’m not saying we can’t use some of what we learned from our moms (or the person who raised us) but we do need to be selective.  If we just duplicate everything from our moms as we are raising our children, we could be in danger of not connecting with them and maybe driving them away.    If you have more than one child, you will notice no two children are alike.  My oldest was adventurous and strong-willed.  My middle child was more compliant and mild mannered and my youngest more vocal and expressive.  As you see with three different personalities, I had to tweak how I related to and raised each one.  Because I raised and trained them according to their “bent” and did not try to bend them into someone or something they were not, it has translated into a good relationship with each of them in their adult stage of life.

Moms motherhood is a job that we need to take seriously, if we are going to raise our children successfully.  We can do it together.  Next week I will continue to share the lessons I’ve learned as a mom. 

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

IN-LAWS, THE EXTENDED FAMILY - Part 3

Today’s blog is the final installment of the series on In-laws, the extended family.  We have been looking at the relationship between married couples and their in-laws.  Last week I made the statement, “I believe when God created marriage, He knew that in-laws would be needed to play a major role, in building a strong and healthy family unit with married couples.”  Today I want to look at the role that in-laws play as an extended family in building a strong family unit.  In 1996 First Lady of the United States Hillary Rodham Clinton came out with a phrase that she later coined and had published a book called “It Takes A Village”.  In essence what Mrs. Clinton was saying is, it takes other influential people working along with parents, to help impact and build strong families.  That’s how I view a marriage working, where you have married couples along with their in-laws, striving together as an extended family to help raise their grandchildren. 

In-laws can be either influencers or controllers to a family.  Depending on which one they are will determine if they will help or hinder it.  Influencers are people that others are willing to follow, but controllers are people who think that others want to follow.  Some in-laws have been known to meddle and interfere with couples when trying to raise their children, or coming in between them.  Some in-laws have been viewed as outlaws, because of trying to control a couple’s marriage or family.   When I think about “outlaws”, it reminds me of the old western movies that depict cowboys who wore masks as criminals and robed people.  The word “outlaw” means “a habitual criminal”, but it also means “a person who refuses to be governed by established rules or practices of a group”.  In this case it’s like having in-laws who interfere in your marriage and family, who don’t honor your opinions or rules that you setup to govern your home. 

In-laws can and should be influencers to the extended family.  In fact Dr. John C. Maxwell the author of the book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”, wrote a section called “The Law of Influence”.  In it he said “The True measure of Leadership Is Influence – Nothing More, Nothing Less.”   When a real leader speaks people listen.  What this means is leadership isn’t a position, it is influence.  If you don’t have influence, you will never be able to lead others.  Even in a family, without influence you will never be able to lead others in the home.  Here is a biblical example of an in-law having a great impact on his family.

·         Jethro Moses’ father-in-law was the king of Midian.  Moses was leading a nation of people named the Israelites.  While traveling through the wilderness Moses was trying to hear and solve everyone’s problems.  Jethro saw how Moses was wearing himself down, so he suggested to Moses to select 70 men among the people and make them elders.  These 70 elders would be leaders who would help him solve the people’s problems, so he wouldn’t burn himself out.  This was great insight by Jethro to suggest the idea to Moses, but he didn’t try to interfere and take control of the matter.  Moses followed Jethro’s advice, and it greatly helped him to effectively lead the people.

                    

In-laws can have a great impact within their extended family as influencers and not controllers.  My wife and I have experienced how our in-laws helped us raise our children, being a positive influence on them, and as a result they have turned out to be the respectful young men and women they are today.  Today, if you have in-laws take time building a good relationship with them, and encourage them to be involved with the family.  You might ask “What happens if we have an in-law who oversteps their boundary and interferes with our family?”  If both you and your spouse have built a good relationship with your in-laws talk with them about the problem, and work together to resolve it.  If that doesn’t work then together as a couple, pray for the situation to be resolved.  In the meantime set boundaries in order keep down any confusion within the family.  I believe having in-laws is just like having another set of parents.  This is great because it can give you as a married couple the support needed for raising your family together.  Thank God for in-laws!

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.