DATING OR COURTSHIP, A FOUNDATION FOR BUILDING A MARRIAGE - Part 2

Today we are continuing our series entitled “Dating Or Courtship, A Foundation For Building A Marriage”.  Last week we talked about the differences between dating and courtship.  I said the purpose for this series is to let you know that the habits you practice in your dating or courting relationship, will be carried over into your marriage, and will become the foundation your marriage will be built on as a couple.  Over the next two weeks we want to look at three habits we can build our marriage on: spirituality, character, and friendship. 

We will continue looking at the differences between dating and courtship methods.  Nathan Bailey wrote in an article called: Dating vs. Courtship – Part 1 he said “Dating was invented in the early part of this century.  Prior to that time, marriage always involved much more input from the parents, and “trial relationships” leading up to marriage were not conducted at all.  Courtship should only happen once and ends in a life-long covenant relationship in marriage.  Dating happens lots of times, ends in many hurts, heartbreak, scars, and if you’re lucky, a partner that just may stay with you for the next few years, or (if you’re really lucky) the rest of your life.”  

If you are a single young man or woman who is dating, it is implied that you should have several relationships with as many people in order to meet the right person. I want you to know it isn’t meeting the right person that is going to cause you to have a successful marriage, but it is being the right person.  We need to build the correct habits into our life so we can be the right person for someone to marry.  Let’s look at two of the three habits that you can build on your marriage which are our spirituality, and character:

·         Spirituality – The belief in God or in something else that we willingly serve and submit our life to following.  It is our belief system that causes us to believe in the biblical principles of God or in the culture’s, and those truths will control our thoughts, actions (behavior), and decisions that will govern what we say or do in life.  Either we will allow God who created us to be over our dating or courtship relationship, or we will allow the culture’s philosophy of sex to be the god and rule of our relationships.  

·         Character - Who we are in public, is who we are in private when nobody is around us.  It includes walking in integrity being your true self.  It doesn’t include any surprises about you because you have taken off the mask.  In dating people wear mask trying to put their best foot forward, so the other person can’t see their faults, and who they really are in private.  Courtship allows you time to get to know a person, and see who they really are without sex getting in the way to cloud your judgement about them.

Last week I said many dating relationships are all about sex and how many sexual partners you can have or enjoy.   We also looked at a biblical principle where God said we are to live honorably to Him even in our dating or courting relationship, which means abstaining from sex.  I am not saying that sex is wrong because, we should enjoy it only in the right setting which is marriage.  Marriage is God’s idea and not man’s, and when He created marriage He put sex there for a husband and wife to become one physically with each other.  Sex taken out of context can be used to abuse and misuse people causing emotional hurts for them.  We can see this in a biblical principle here in Hebrews 13:4a “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.”

As a person of faith and Christian, when my wife and I dated each other we decided to honor God with our relationship by doing it His way.  I was a virgin at the time, and even though my wife had experience sex before she became a Christian, we abstained from any sexual intercourse until we got married.  As a result of us following the biblical principles in our relationship, 30 years later it has paid off for us because God has caused our marriage to flourish.  Either you will live by biblical truths of the Bible which will dictate how you treat people in your relationship, or you will live by the culture’s truths which will justify how you mistreat them in your relationship.  Take off the mask and be yourself in your relationship.  Notice signs about a person’s character that you are dating or courting.  I encourage you to live by biblical truths in your dating or courtship relationship, because I want you to succeed in building for a good marriage.

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

DATING OR COURTSHIP, A FOUNDATION FOR BUILDING A MARRIAGE - Part 1

                                       

Today I am are starting a new blog series entitled “Dating Or Courtship, A Foundation For Building A Marriage”.  The purpose for this series is to let people know that the habits they practice in their dating or courting relationship, will carry over into their marriage, and will become the foundation they build their marriage on as a couple.  We will focus on three habits that can become the foundation of our marriage which are our spirituality, character, and friendship with our partner.  I want to encourage someone that have been hurt emotionally, heartbroken, or discouraged because of experiencing a bad dating relationships with someone.  I also want to encourage those who desire to get married, not to give up your hope on marriage.  Just know that during the right time in your life it will happen.  Even though I am not dating anymore because I have been blessed with a mate, my wife and I still go on dates twice a month.  It is my desire that you will have a successful and healthy marriage.   

When I look at today’s culture pertaining to the dating scene that is portrayed by our media for single men and women, it is all about partying, drinking and sex.  We hear it in the songs that are played on the radio, and we see it in the movies that are presented to us.  Many dating relationships are all about sex and how many sexual partners can you have or enjoy.  In our culture dating is more about finding the right person by hanging out with them, and hooking up with them sexually to see if we are compatible together.  The problem with the current dating method is a lot of times it leaves people emotionally hurt especially women, because they feel like they have given up their body to someone who actually cares for them.  Men and women don’t take time to get to know one another in order to build a friendship with the person they are dating.  I believe courtship is another method that young people can use to select a potential marriage partner.  Courtship allows a man and woman the chance to really get to know one another, without the distractions of sex hindering their relationship.   

Let’s look at the differences of dating and courtship as methods for establishing a marital relationship.  As we look at these two methods, we want to see which one is best for building a strong foundation for a marriage. 

·         Dating – In the modern dating scene you usually hide all your faults to give a false impression about yourself, in order to keep your partner liking you.  Recreational dating is about self-gratification – you date to satisfy your own needs.

·         Courtship – Is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage.  Courtship is about marriage – you court in order to see if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married.  There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage.

When a young man and woman decide to court one another, what the couple is saying is that they’re willing to submit themselves under the authority of God, their parents, and certain leaders in their lives.  The couple is allowing their parents or leaders to have input into their relationship in order to help them successfully get prepared for marriage.  Notice I said input and not control.  The courtship method is a biblical approach opposite to the dating method, because it calls for the dating couple to develop their relationship apart from any sexual activity.  Really the same thing can be done by two people who are dating one another, by following a biblical approach in their dating relationship instead of doing what culture promotes.  In the Bible it says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3, 4 “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin.  Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor.”  We are to live honorably to God even in our dating or courting relationship, which mean abstaining from engaging in sex.  Couples should first learn how to communicate with each other, in order to build an authentic and honest relationship together.  I believe if we follow biblical principles for our life, it will cause us to flourish in every area of life.  Singles, I encourage you take a biblical approach either with dating or courtship for building a relationship.  I believe as you submit to the authority of God, your parents, and leaders in your life it can prepared you for marriage when it comes.   

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

FULFILLING MY CHILDREN'S EMOTIONAL NEED, FOR BEING LOVED - Part 3

                             

Today this is the final part of the series called “Fulfilling My Children’s Emotional Need, For Being Loved”.  Last week we looked at the question “How can we as parents discover our children’s love language, in order for them to feel loved?”, and we discussed three love languages (physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time).  Today we are going to look at the last two which are receiving gifts, and acts of services.  As parents we are called to love our children according to their emotional make up and need for love, which is according to their emotional bent or personality.  That means if we have more than one child, then we must love all of them equally, but differently according to their emotional bent.  Discovering our children’s love language(s) can help us to love them the way they feel loved.  Let’s discuss the last two love languages which are:    

·         Receiving Gifts – Another love language that parents can use to express love to their children is receiving gifts.  Receiving gifts says to our children “I love you”, “I am thinking of you”, and “you are special to me”.   For our children to understand the true meaning of this love language “receiving gifts”, they need to understand the spirit and attitude behind the gift given to them.  Our children need to know that no matter the cost or size of the gift they are receiving, it was given to them out of love.  As parents we want to make sure that they don’t have an attitude of feeling entitled, because it will lead to them becoming selfish and expecting gifts all the time.  Our children need to understand a gift is given to someone out of the goodness of a person’s heart because of love, and not because they deserve it.  If our children grow up with a selfish attitude as a child, they will take that same attitude into their adult life.  We can give gifts to our children at any time of the year, but the ones whose love language is receiving gifts will have their emotional love tank filled.  As a result they grow up being aware that receiving gifts is one their love languages. 

·         Acts of Service – When we look at the final love language, it involves parents serving their children, and their kids feeling loved.  When acts of service are done properly the one receiving the service feels loved.  In this case as parents when we lovingly serve our children through acts of service, their emotional need for being loved will be fulfilled.  Acts of service are such things as washing our children’s clothes, helping them with their homework, cooking and washing dishes for them, and others things.  Being a parent automatically means we must serve our children.  If we are going to teach them how to be independent as an adult living on their own, we must model serving before them in the home.  As our children see us serving the family through acts of service, it teaches them how to serve their family and others when they grow up.  They will feel genuinely loved through our acts of service and fulfilled emotionally.             

As parents we need to discover our children’s love language.  Here are four ways we can:   

·         Observe how our children express love to us.

·         Observe how our children express love to others.

·         Listen to what our children requests most often.

·         Notice what our children most frequently complains about.

Even though we discover our children’s primary love language, it is important that we express love to our children through all of the love languages. We need to love our children according to their bent, which means their emotional make up based on the biblical principle in Proverbs 22:6.  My wife and I have talked with our children about their love languages, as well as observing them how they feel loved.  We had to learn how each one of them felt loved according to the way they were wired personally, and it has paid off because it has allowed us to connect with one another as a family.  As parents I encourage you to take time to discover your children’s love language, so you love them and they can feel loved by you.  We can fulfill our children’s emotional need for being loved, but it will take work by displaying unconditional love.

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

FULFILLING MY CHILDREN'S EMOTIONAL NEED, FOR BEING LOVED - Part 2

                               

In last week’s blog I mentioned that my wife and I are blessed to have three children, and we love them each the way they feel loved.  We had to work at loving them unconditionally, and it has paid off because we are a close knitted family.  In the next two blog’s we will focus on how as parents we can love our children through their primary love language, so they can have their need for emotional love fulfilled by us.  We are looking at the book “The Five Love Languages of Children” written by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, M.D.  They wrote about how children develop emotionally when they feel unconditional love through their primary love languages.  They shared that inside every child is something like an “emotional tank”.  When their emotional need for being loved has been fulfilled, it is like their “emotional love tank” is filled up.  We want to focus on the question “How can we as parents discover our children’s love language, in order for them to feel loved?”  Today we are going to briefly discuss three of the five love languages that children can use to experience emotional love:

 

·         Physical Touch – Exercising the love language of physical touch with our children can include hugging them, kissing them on the cheek, playing with their hair, wrestling with our sons, and holding their hand.  Physical touch is one of love’s strongest voices, because it shouts “I love you!”  When we talk about touching our children physically, I mean doing it in an appropriate way.  We live in a day where parents are inappropriately touching their children, but even though this is happening it isn’t a reason for us not to practice this love language with our children.  When our children leave out for school, it is important that we lovingly hug our children because it communicates love to them, and helps them to emotionally feel loved.  Fathers need to practice unconditionally loving their daughters appropriately through physical touch.  This allows them to know they are truly loved, so they won’t go out seeking love from a young man who will take advantage of them sexually. It is important for parents to show love to their sons through physical touch, because it will help them to have a sense of being loved, and it will meet their emotional need for love.  Physical touch is a way that our children can feel loved by us.

·         Words of Affirmation – Another way to express unconditional love to our children is through words of affirmation.  Words of affirmation are words that can be communicated in different ways, but that speaks love to our children.  Words of affirmation are affectionate words that express appreciation to our children, for who they are personally, for their characteristics, and their talents and gifts.  A lot of times it is what we say, and how we say it by the tone of our voice that genuinely speaks love to children.  Speaking words of praise to our children for what they have achieved expresses love to them.  Encouraging words communicate love to them.  Even loving words of guidance when done appropriately communicates unconditional love to our children.  The goal is to love our children the way they feel loved, and words of affirmation is just one way of doing it.

·         Quality Time – The third love language brings parents and their children closer together relationally, and shows them they are loved.  Quality time is focused attention.  It means giving our children our undivided attention.  Quality time communicates to our children that they are important to us, and we are willing to make time for them.  Quality time is hearing what is going on in our children’s lives, and having quality conversations with them.  When we spend quality time with our children it makes them feel like they are the most important person in the world to us.  Whether we spend time with our children at home, or outside of the home, it is all about building a relationship with them.  It makes them feel loved and it fills their emotional love tank. 

Even though our children might experience being loved by a certain love language, as parents we need to love them by practicing all five love languages with them.  It is important for our children to have their emotional love tank filled, while additionally their need for emotional love fulfilled.  Our children might know in their head we love them, but we want them to experience our love for them at the heart level as well.  Next week we will continue looking at the other love languages, as we work toward the goal of discovering the way our children get their fulfillment for being loved.  

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.