THE DANGEROUS AFFECTS OF SIBLING RIVALRY

A healthy sibling relationship between brothers and sisters can help siblings experience a long lasting relationship with each other.  When I talk about a healthy sibling relationship, I mean it is a relationship where brothers and sisters have grown up knowing one another, playing together, working through their conflicts together, and have built a close relationship with each other.  The opposite can be true when brothers and sisters have an unhealthy relationship with their sibling, they will choose to stay isolated and separated from them.  One thing that can kill a relationship between siblings is sibling rivalry, where they allow jealousy to keep them apart from each other. 

In an article called “Sibling Rivalry: What we can learn from the past” written by Raychelle Cassada Lohmann MS, LPC, she shares a classic story that shows us, the dangerous affects of sibling rivalry on sibling relationships.  The story is about a dispute between the Dassler brothers, who went on to create two great tennis shoe companies named Adidas and Puma.

During the 1920’s, Adolf (Adi) and Rudolph (Rudi) were partners in the Dassler Brothers Sports Shoe Company, which was a business that operated out of their mother’s laundry room in Herzogenaurach, Germany.  Adi was known for his creativity and craftsman and Rudi was the salesman.  The Dassler brothers were having success with their shoe business.  In fact, one of the people that helped catapult the business was the American Olympic legend Jesse Owens.  He wore a pair of their shoes in the 1936 Olympics, where he won four track and field gold medals.  You would have thought with the success the brothers were having in their business, they would have seen the value of working together, and appreciating their relationship with each other in regards to accomplishing things together.  Instead of this happing the brothers allowed jealousy and bitterness to tear them apart.

In 1948, the brothers separated from one another to develop their own companies.  Adi named his business “Adidas”, and Rudi named his business “Ruda” and later changed it to “Puma”.  Both brothers were successful with their shoe business, but if they hadn’t allowed jealousy and bitterness to destroy their relationship they might have achieved more together.  As a result of the brother’s dispute with each other, Nike entered in the shoe industry, and eventually took over and dominated the market for athletic shoes.  History tells us that the brothers never tried to resolve their conflict with each other before they died. 

The Dassler brothers are an example of how sibling rivalry can destroy our relationship with our siblings.  There is a biblical story that shows us the dangerous affect of sibling rivalry between two brothers named Cain and Abel.  In the story of Cain and Abel, both of them offered up sacrifices to God.  God accepted Abel’s sacrifice, but He rejected Cain’s sacrifice.  Instead of Cain seeing why God didn’t accept his sacrifice, he became so jealous of Abel that he killed him.  I believe Cain’s jealousy through sibling rivalry drove him to kill his brother.  Some of us may never kill someone physically, but if we are competing with our siblings in an unhealthy way because of jealousy, we can allow it to kill and destroy our relationship with them.  We can separate ourselves from our siblings, not having anything to do with them.  All this will do is deprive us of a wonderful family experience, which God intended for us to have with our brothers and sisters. 

I am thankful for the relationship that I have with my siblings.  We are constantly trying to build on our relationship, by going out for breakfast once a month to stay connected with each other.  We have our good times together, and we have our times when we have to resolve conflicts between us.  We try not to allow jealousy or anything to come in between us, that could ultimately kill and destroy our relationship with each other.  Sibling rivalry can negatively affect your relationship between you and your siblings.  If you have a strained relationship with them because of sibling rivalry, I encourage you to try to work things out with your brothers and sisters.  If jealousy or anything else has separated you from your siblings, then seek out the best way to reconnect with them.  If you need to forgive someone ask God to help you to do it, then do so in order to restore the relationship.  Let’s all do what we can to experience a healthy sibling relationship.   

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR ON THIS THANKSGIVING SEASON

This week many families will be getting together to celebrate the upcoming Thanksgiving Day holiday.  No matter what we have experience this year, how joyous or traumatic the case maybe the fact is we are still here with our loved ones.  It is a testimony of our strength, character, and for some of us our faith in God as Christians.  We can be thankful that God has kept us through the many gains or losses we may have experienced in our life.  You may have experience a relational gain as a newlywed marrying a new spouse, received a financial gain through a promotional on your, or received an emotional gain through the restoration of a relationship between your children or a friend.  On the other hand you may have suffered a loss in your life this year.  Maybe you have suffered the loss of a marital relationship because of a divorce, a financial loss because of being laid off of a job, or possibly an emotional loss due to the death of a loved one.  Whatever the situation in your life that caused you to experience an emotional pain or joy, hopefully you were able to go through it with your family and friends.

As a child growing up in my home, my parents taught me the value of giving thanks to God.  In fact it was a biblical principle that we practiced as a family.  Whether the situation that happened to us was either good or bad, the attitude was to always find a way that we could give God thanks.  If the situation was bad we could be thankful that it wasn’t worse, and if the circumstance was good we could be grateful for God blessings.  In Psalms 100:4-5 it says, “Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise.  Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.  For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations.”  In other words, no matter what’s happening to us in life good or bad, we can come to God with a thankful heart giving Him praise for His goodness and mercy.  No matter what situation you might be facing in life, as a married couple or family members having attitude of thanksgiving can help us stay connected together.

As for me I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday season.  Let me share them with you:

·      First – I am thankful for God blessing me to celebrate my 57^th birthday, and my 31^st wedding anniversary to my wonderful wife Donna this year.  I am thankful fort being a part of a wonderful Ministry Team at Zion Church, where we can impact the lives of many people fort God.

·      Second – I am thankful for my wife being at the place in life where she can make a difference in people’s lives.  At the end of last year she felt the need of making a big move in her life by leaving her job, because her desire was to be in full time ministry working for a church.   As a result God rewarded her leap of faith, and blessed her to become the Director of our Children’s Ministry and head Administrator for our church.

·      Third – I am thankful for God blessing my oldest daughter Danielle this May to graduate from Grad School to get her Master’s this year.  God eventually blessed her with the job of her dreams where she can make a difference in people’s lives.

·      Fourth – I am thankful for my youngest daughter Danae working hard at her trade school she is attending.  She is doing real well in her studies at her schooling.

·      Fifth – I am thankful for my son David working and doing well on his new job.  God also blessed him with a car this year.

Whether we experience gains or losses in our life, we still can have an attitude of thanksgiving toward God.  My children have seen me go through some good and bad times in the home, all the while being able to give God thanks.  Every day when we can go out to the various places we need to travel too, and come back home safely I am thankful to God for watching over us.  I don’t take anything for granted.  The question I want to ask you is “Can you be thankful in the good and bad situations in your life?”  I encourage you to write down one or two things you can be thankful for this year, and as you are spending time with family and friends this Thanksgiving holiday share it with them.  Just remember we do have a lot to be thankful for today.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

THE VALUE OF HEALTHY SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS

I consider myself very blessed and grateful for having the siblings that God has given me in my life.  My mother and father had three sons (Robert, David, and myself), which I am the youngest.  Growing up I remember having good times together with them, and doing things that caused us to build a good relationship.  Many times my two brothers did things with me such as taking me to the movies, playing football and basketball with me, and going out to eat lunch or dinner.  I remember the many holidays we spent together as a family, even after my brothers got married.  Don’t get me wrong we had good times together, but there were also many times when we got on one another’s nerves. Our parents instilled in us the value of heathy sibling relationship, and it is this factor that taught us the importance of sticking together, not letting anything come in between us.  Even today we still love each other and get together.

Healthy sibling relationships are valuable for our personal development, and social development with other siblings and people.  In fact other experts such as Raychelle Cassada Lohmann MS, LPC wrote an article called “Healthy Sibling Relationship”.  She said “Did you know research has shown that healthy sibling relationships can significantly benefit us later in life?  Those with positive sibling relationships report higher life satisfaction and low rates of depression later in life.  Also in times of illness and traumatic events, siblings provide emotional, social, and psychological support to each other.  Research show that this support is common regardless of whether they live next to or far away from each other.”   I know for some people their experience with siblings growing up in a family is marred by sibling rivalry, fighting, conflicts, rejection, and other negative things.  As a result of such behavior it has caused a lot of people to experience emotional hurt.  If people aren’t healed from their emotional hurts, they can carry those wounds right into a relationship with someone, and it can affect the relationship.

Parents if we want our children experiencing healthy sibling relationships with their brothers and sisters, it starts with us communicating that we will not tolerate disrespectful behavior between them.  As parents we must set the example of how we want our children to treat their siblings, and this is done by the way they see us treating one another.  It is inevitable for children to argue, fuse, and disagree at times among one another as a family.  It is important that we teach our children to love and respect each other, even when they are in a conflict with one another.  Here are some tips we can practice with our children for encouraging kindness in the home:

·         Teach mutual respect – Do not allow children to insult one another.

·         Do not play favorites – We are to love and treat all our children the same. 

·         Teach conflict-management – Do not deny our children’s feelings, but help them learn to express their emotions in an appropriate way.

·         Do not ignore good behavior – Praise our children when they are exercising good behavior.

My experience of living in a healthy sibling relationship with my brothers, has prepared me for being able to raise our children to also experience a healthy sibling relationship.  Working along with my wife, we set the example for how we wanted our children to love and respect each other, by them seeing us treat one another with love and respect.  Growing up our children played together, talked to each other, and socialized well with one another.  We had family dinner together where we could connect with each other in order to build a close relationship.  Our children didn’t always agree or see eye-to-eye on things with one another, but they were able to work things out.  Today our kids enjoy spending time doing things together.  I encourage you as parents to help your children to work through their difficulties, and bond together in order experience a healthy sibling relationship with their brothers and sisters. Tell your children, “We are family, and we will not say anything that doesn’t build up one another.  We will respect each other.”

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

THE ROLE LEADERSHIP PLAYS IN THE HOME - Part 2

                                                      

Last week I started a blog series entitled “The Role Leadership Plays In The Home”.  I wrote the blog to share with husbands and wives, and parents that it takes leadership to have a successful home.  We looked at Dr. John C. Maxwell’s book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”, and talked about “The Law of The Lid”.  The Law of The Lid says, “Leadership Ability Determines a Person’s Level of Effectiveness.”  As a leader our leadership ability (good or bad) will determine our level of effectiveness (positive or negative) whether people will be influenced enough to follow us.  We must be able to lead ourselves before we can lead others even in the home, and when people see it they will be willing to trust our leadership.  Another aspect of leadership comes from the perspective of serving individuals that we lead in our marriage and family. Today we want to look at the role of leadership in the home as husbands and wives serve each other, and as parents serve their children.

Again we want to look at what Dr. John C. Maxwell says about leadership that can be applied to marriage and family relationships.  In the book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”, he talks about another law called “The Law of Addition”.  The Law of Addition means “Leaders Add Value by Serving Others.”  He goes on to say, “When you add value to people, you lift them up, help them advance, make them a part of something bigger than themselves, and assist them in becoming who they were made to be”.   In other words, leaders add value to the people they are leading by serving and helping them to become a better person, instead of looking to be served.

When we talk about leaders serving their followers, we are referring to leaders being servant leaders.  A servant leader is someone who serves those that he or she leads out of love, who meets the needs of individuals they’re serving instead of being served, is an example to the people they’re leading, and values the growth of the people they’re leading so they can in turn lead and serve others. When we look at being a servant leader, we must focus on the biblical principle of servanthood that is seen through the life of Jesus.  In Mark 10:45 it says, “For even the Son of Man came not to be serve but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Jesus gives us the example of how we should lead others, which is to serve them in order to help meet their needs.   Jesus didn’t come to be served, but he came to serve others even to the point of sacrificing his own life. As husbands we are to serve our wives and children with all our energy and life, especially as the head of the home.  Wives you are to serve your husband and children with all your heart and strength.  Parents we are servant leaders in the home, and even though we are the authority figures in our children’s lives, we are still to serve them until they live on their own. 

As servant leaders in our home, my wife and I try to serve each other as well as our children.  As a husband, I try to add value to my wife and children by lovingly serving them through my actions.  Every Saturday morning I try to fix breakfast for my family.  When my wife needs a break from doing certain things, I try to serve her by taking on something that she usually does to give her a break.  My wife does the same thing for me by serving me in a way that adds value to my life.  She will serve me by taking our daughter to the subway station to go to school, in order to give me a break so I can get some rest.  The key is we don’t take one another for granted, expecting the other to do something because of their position in the home as husband or wife. 

We work together as a team because we want to help each other to become better.  That’s servant leadership in demonstration, where you serve your spouse or children to add value to them, instead of waiting or expecting them to serve you.  As married couples and parents, you are servant leaders in your home, placed there to add value and serve the individuals in your marriage or family.   Take time out to look for every opportunity to add value by serving your spouse or children, and when you do it genuinely out of a pure heart, God will bless you greatly. 

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

THE ROLE LEADERSHIP PLAYS IN THE HOME - Part 1

Normally when we talk about the topic of “leadership” we always think about people leading a group of people on their job, someone heading a business or organization, or a manager or supervisor.  We usually don’t think about people needing leadership skills in the home, but to lead a family or marriage a parent or spouse needs leadership ability. When we think about certain qualities that are needed in a home, we always speak about such qualities as love and respect.  People seldom think of leadership being a quality, but it is needed in order to have a successful home.  In fact our leadership ability as a spouse or parent in the home, can determine our level of effectiveness to influence the individuals in our marriage and family.  My wife and I have seen the importance of leadership in our lives, even as a spouse and parent.  Our level of effectiveness as leaders is seen by our influence and willingness to follow one another’s leadership.

Dr. John C. Maxwell in his book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”, talks about a law called the “The Law of The Lid”.  The Law of The Lid says, “Leadership Ability Determines a Person’s Level of Effectiveness.”  In other words, as a leader your leadership ability (good or bad) will determine your level of effectiveness (positive or negative) whether people will be influenced enough to follow you.  I believe when referring to the home, the lack of leadership ability can cause us to become an ineffective leader.  Developing our leadership ability can cause us to become an effective leader in the home.  In order to grow our leadership ability, we must be willing to develop as leaders.

I believe there are three qualities that will help our leadership ability grow, and develop us as good leaders.  Those three qualities are our character, approachability, and modeling.  We must be able to lead ourselves before we can lead others, even in the home.

·         Character – Are we the same person in public that we are in private?  This mean the way we treat people in public, should be the same way we treat our spouse and children at our home in private.  Men we shouldn’t always be complimenting other women on our job, but we can’t say anything nice to our wife.  Women you shouldn’t always be looking beautiful for other men, but you can’t look pretty for your husband.  Parents we shouldn’t always be encouraging other kids, but we can’t encourage our children.  In other words, if we love and respect people we interact with in public, we shouldn’t be mistreating or disrespecting our spouse and children in private.  When our spouse and children see our character lived out in the home, they can appreciate our leadership by following us.

·         Approachability – Do people feel like they can approach us?  Approachability is when people feel like they can talk to you, without jumping through hoops or fearful of the attitude you are going to respond to them with.  When people approach us do they feel like they have to walk on egg shells, or do they feel safe enough to speak their mind and be received in a respectful way?  Our spouse and children should be able to approach at any time feeling safe enough to talk to us, instead of being afraid because they don’t know what type of attitude they will receive from us.  As a leader in the home we must be approachable, if we are going to be trusted by our spouse and children to effectively lead them.      

·         Modeling – Do we practice what we preach?  Modeling is us living out the principles that we teach in our home for our spouse and children to follow in their lives.  As a husband or wife, if we are asking our mate to make certain sacrifices, then we must be ready to make the same sacrifices in our life.  As a parent, if we don’t want our children doing or saying certain things, then we shouldn’t be doing it as well.  The mark of a true leader is being an example for those he or she is leading, which will cause them to be respected enough to be followed.    

It is important that we grow our leadership ability so we can become effective leaders in the home.  We can do it by working on such qualities as our character, approachability, and modeling.  My wife and I have tried to live out our character, by treating one another the same way in private that we do in public.  We have tried to build a culture of approachability in our home where we can come together as a family, and talk about issues we are having without being blasted or put down by each other.  We try to live out what we preach to each other.  Leadership definitely plays an important role in the home between married couples and parenting children.  As a spouse or parent your level of effectiveness as a leader is seen by, how you influence others to follow you in a positive way.  That’s successful leadership in the home.    

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.