IN-LAWS, THE EXTENDED FAMILY - Part 2

Today we are continuing our series entitled In-laws, the extended family.  We are looking at the relationship between married couples and their in-laws.  In any marital relationship there will be difficulties that will arise with our in-laws, but how well we work together as a couple resolving conflicts as an extended family, will determine the health of the relationship over time.  Last week we looked at the biblical principle of husbands leaving their father and mother, and being joined to their wife, and the two of them becoming one in marriage.  Marriage is where two people merge their lives together to become one person, which means they’re one in heart, mind, body, purpose, and goals.  I believe when God created marriage, He knew that in-laws would be needed to play a major role, in building a strong family unit with a couple.  The only way we can have a strong and healthy family unit, is taking the opportunity to spend time getting to know one another.  We can build relationships with our spouse’s family by having meals together, cook-outs, birthday celebrations, and special holidays.  This helps us to connect together to create a close family, so we can get along with our extended family.  

The question that I would like to ask is, “Do you get along with your in-laws?”  This is the same question that Heather and Steve had to ponder, when it came to their relationship their in-laws.  Heather and Steve have been married almost four years.  Heather and Steve love each other very much, but the relationship with their in-laws has always been strained.  Heather feels Steve’s mother is overly critical of how Heather parents the children.  She also gets upset over the mother-in-law’s statement about how Steve works too hard.  She sees them as attacks on her choice to be a stay-at-home mom.  Steve has great difficulty connecting with his father-in-law, who seems to live for sports.  When Steve and Heather visit her parents, Steve is especially disturbed to see Heather share her father’s sports mania – leaving Steve like an outsider.

As a married couple, you might even identify emotionally with Heather and Steve, when it comes to trying to build a good relationship with your in-laws.  It is important to know, it’s normal to want to be accepted by our in-laws, like Steve desired.  But feeling that we need to be accepted can bring complications, causing us to be uncomfortable and unnatural around them.  Likewise, for Heather unrealistic hopes can cause problems, too.  Many parents are initially over-protective of their own child, or have expectations that no spouse can meet in the beginning.  The number-one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is our spouse’s support.  Here are some tips to help us to get along with our in-laws, and strengthen our relationship to become one with our spouse:

·         Learn to support our spouse without taking sides.

·         Encourage our spouse to share their feelings with us when ready.

·         Show our spouse that they are number one in our eyes.

·         Don’t take things personally.

·         Remember building a relationship with in-laws takes time.

·         Encourage our spouse to share their feelings with their in-laws when ready.

·         Remember we are loving our spouse by honoring their parents.

It takes a husband and wife lovingly working together as one, to correct any problems with their in-laws.  Some in-laws have been known to meddle and interfere with couples when raising their children, or coming in between them. When my wife and I decided to get married to, we discussed that we were marrying one another and not our families.  I know when we got married both of us enjoyed being around one another’s family.  We wanted to build a good close relationship with our in-laws, so we could have a great extended family.  We talked about how we would love and respect each other’s family, but we wouldn’t allow anyone to come in between our relationship.  We are still enjoying a good relationship with our in-laws.  Couples, if, your answer was “no”, to the earlier question, then I encourage you to work with your spouse, together as one, to get along with your in-laws.  Couples, let’s enjoy our in-laws, and the extended family.  

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

IN-LAWS, THE EXTENDED FAMILY - Part 1

                                                                     

My wife and I are going on 31 years of marriage, and I must say, we haven’t had any major problems with our in-laws over the years.  Don’t get me wrong, we have had our differences at times with them, but as a married couple, we have always been able to talk to each other about issue(s), we were having with our in-laws without taking it personally.  Whatever decision we made to resolve an issue(s), we supported each other in order to correct the problem.  I believe we have built such a good enough relationship with our in-laws, that we could go and talk to them about how we are feeling.  In fact I remember at least two incidents involving our in-laws that we had to deal with in our marriage.

·         The first incident involved my wife and mother.  When our first child Danielle was a baby, she was having problems with her stomach.  My mother being the helpful person that she was kept calling my wife giving her suggestions on what she could do to remedy our daughter’s problem.  My wife came to me expressing that she felt like my mother wasn’t giving her a chance to learn how to be a mother.  I told her how my mother was only trying to help, but I encouraged my wife to talk to my mother about the matter.  She did and my mother understood and respected Donna’s feelings and backed off. 

·         The second incident involved my wife’s family.   My wife grew up in a family that smoked cigarettes.  I remember when we were dating always smelling cigarettes, all over her apartment.  When we got married we talked and decided, whenever we have family functions our in-laws can come over, but they couldn’t smoke in our house.  We ask her family whenever they came over to visit; we would appreciate it, if they wouldn’t smoke in our home.  They respected us enough to comply with our wishes.  I know our in-laws on both sides haven’t liked every decision we made, but because we had built a good enough relationship with them, they honored our wishes and complied with requests. 

I share these stories with you because in so many instances a lot of married couples have problems with their in-laws.  These problems can cause serious conflicts in the marriage, even to the point of divorce.  We haven’t had any major problems with in-laws, but I have heard of some stories of married couples who have had their share of problems with in-laws.  In most cases it is a wife who is having problems with her mother-in-law.  That’s why in these series of blogs, we will be providing tips for building and getting along with our in-laws, and strengthening our relationship with our spouse.  In order to deal with problems that in-laws can cause in marriage, it must be dealt with properly by both spouses.  In-laws will try to hold our marriage or family hostage, and try to interfere with our marriage and family relationship.  That’s why as husbands and wives we must be one together to setup and govern our home. 

We must be in agreement with our spouse in order to handle any situations with in-laws.  If not, it will hinder our marriage.  That’s why the Bible gives us principles to help us with our marriage, because God wants a strong and healthy marriage.  In fact in Genesis 2:24 it says, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”  This is telling us as husbands, we are responsible to leave or mother and father, and become one with our wife.  This doesn’t mean we stop loving and caring for our parents, but our job is to become one with our wife.  Also, wives even though the command is given to the husband, you must be willing to do the same to leave your mother and father, and become one with your husband.  It doesn’t mean we can’t even get advice from our parents or their opinion, but we need to talk with our spouse first when it involves our family.  No longer are we to keep running to mommy and daddy, but we must handle our business together as husband and wife.  We will talk more in the next blog about becoming one with our spouse, because that will help you manage through the extended family of dealing with in-laws in marriage.  

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN IN SOCIETY

                               

In a previous blog I mentioned, the importance of us as parents to teach and model respect before our children.  One of the reasons why we need to train our children, to respect each family member in the home, is because it prepares them for life in the real world.  I believe there are many disrespectful children in our society today.  Simply for the reason, that some aren’t even taught or modeled respect in their home.  Some children come from families, where their parents are disrespectful to one another in the home, and as a result they practice the same behavior in public.  We see children disrespecting parents and adults displaying rude behavior such as talking back, using foul language, or a lack of manners.  Parents, when we teach our children to respect us, we are teaching them to value themselves and people.  This will make them a blessing to others and successful in society.

Parents, it is our responsibility and duty to teach our children to be respectful inside and outside the home.  We must deal with disrespectful behavior when it happens with our children, and we must start with them while they are young and even when they are teenagers.  I remember an incident where my wife had to correct our son David, for being disrespectful to her.  David, who was a teenager at this time, was attending high school and playing football.  One morning while my wife was driving him to school, they were having a discussion about a certain matter.  As they were talking, David kept trying to get his point across to convince my wife, but in the process he kept cutting her off when she tried to talk.  My wife told David to be quiet, but he kept on talking trying to get his way.  My wife pulled the car over to the side, put the car in parked, turned to him, and she did what I called two pieced him.  She punched him right in the face with either her right and left hand, or her left and right hand.  But he got the picture and shut up.  She said what she needed to get across, and then proceeded to take him to school. 

Our children have been taught to respect us as their parents, and we have modeled respect before them.  That’s why my wife didn’t tolerate the disrespectful behavior from our son. The Bible instructs children to obey and respect their parents.  The only way this can be done, is by parents enforcing it in the home.  In Ephesians 6:1-3 it talks about children obeying their parents in the Lord, for this is right.   This scripture refers back to what God said in the Ten Commandments, where He commanded children to “Honor your father and mother”, which was the first commandment given with a promise.  That promise was “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”  The word “honor” – used in this context translates to mean respect.  In other words, God was saying to children obey and honor (respect) your parents, so things may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life here on earth. 

As parents in order to teach our children how to be respectful, we must create a process that we can practice, that will help produce the desired outcome we want of them.  First, we must teach by modeling what we want our children to become.  We can only command our children’s respect by modeling what it looks like to be a respectful person.  In Dr. James Dobson’s book “The New Dare To Discipline”, he said “Parents cannot require their children to treat them with dignity if they will not provide the same respect to them in return”.  Second, as parents we need to setup boundaries with our children, and enforce the rules when they are broken.  We must work with our spouse to establish boundaries that will help our children to become respectful individuals in society.  Third, use discipline to correct disrespectful behavior.  Know that loving discipline encourages and leads to respect.

                                                                                                                      

As parents, we are the first authority figures in our children lives.  We are preparing them for other authority figures that they will have to submit too such as: teachers, coaches, police officers, supervisors and managers.  These people will play major roles in helping our children to be successful.  Parents, let’s do the best job we can to produce respectful children, that will make an impact in our society.  

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

LOVE AND RESPECT, A GREAT COMBINATION FOR A COUPLE

If you were to ask me, Tyrone what kind of marital relationship do you and your wife have today?  I would tell you we have a great relationship, but we are still learning and growing together as a couple.  We understand as a couple, we are both different individuals with different emotional needs.  Two of those emotional needs are to be “loved” and “respected”.  In fact in this week’s blog, we will deal with these two needs that every marriage must have, in order to experience a healthy marital relationship.  We definitely know that love is needed in a marriage relationship, because it is how we grow together in our affection and commitment with our spouse.  Unconditional love is the chord that binds a husband and wife together as a couple.  Also, respect is needed in a marriage, and I believe it is a by-product of love in action. 

Actually, Dr. Emerson Eggrich who wrote the book “Love and Respect”, spoke about the fact that a woman needs love, and a man needs respect.  In his book, he uses data collected by a group called “Decision Analyst, Inc.”  The group did a national survey on male-female relationships, and one of the questions was “Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues.  In the middle of a conflict with my wife, I am more likely to be feeling: (a) That my wife doesn’t respect me or (b) That my wife doesn’t love me.”  An astonishing 81.5 % of the men surveyed selected “a” concluding they felt disrespected.  Deep down they were secure in their wife’s love but they sure did not feel like she respected them.  When women were asked a similar question and the results were almost identically reversed.  Women said they felt unloved when there was conflict.  She felt distance, even rejection, when the marriage was tense.  Dr. Eggrich concluded that a wife “needs love just as she needs air to breathe”, and a husband “needs respect just as he needs air to breathe.” 

Dr. Eggrich research isn’t saying women don’t want to be respected, and men don’t want to be loved, but what it is showing how women and men are wired differently.  Even God spoke on the subject of male-female relationship in marriage.  It is a biblical principle where the husband is commanded to love his wife, and the wife is commanded to respect her husband.  In Ephesians 5:33 it says “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”  Husbands, real love is serving our wives unconditionally with no strings attached to meet her need for being loved and appreciated.  Wives, real respect is honoring and esteeming your husbands by admiring and building him up.  

As husbands and wives, it is important for us to begin recognizing our spouse’s need to be loved and respected.  Husbands, when our wife says to us “I feel unloved right now because of ________”, she is crying out to us and we shouldn’t react negatively to her.  Likewise, wives when your husband says to you “I feel disrespected right now because of _________”, he is crying out to you, and you shouldn’t respond negatively to him.  That’s why we must keep a line of communication with our spouse, where we can talk authentically and transparently with them without feeling judged or criticized.  Being able to talk to each other will allow us to work together to try to meet one another’s needs.

We must be sensitive to our spouse’s feelings, listen to their frustrations without criticizing them, and know their intentions are good only wanting the best for us and the marriage.  I know my wife has expressed to me, how she felt unloved because I wasn’t giving her nonsexual touches now, like I did when we were dating.  Nonsexual touches like: holding her hand when we walk together, and opening the car door for her before getting into the car.  These nonsexual touches communicated that I loved and valued her as my wife.  I have shared with my wife how I felt disrespected by the way she has said something to me before.  The thing is, we want the best for one another so we can meet each other’s needs.  Husbands, if you want a satisfying marital relationship with your wife, then seek to meet her need to be loved.  Wives, if you want a satisfying marital relationship with your husband, focus on meeting his need to be respected.   Love and respect, is a great combination for a couple, because when a woman is loved by her husband, and a man is respected by his wife, it opens the door for the two of them to become one.

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.