HOW TO HAVE A CLOSE KNIT FAMILY

One of the goals my wife and I set out to do when we started our family was to build a close knit family.  And, I must say, I believe we have accomplished that successfully.  My wife and I made a conscious decision to do certain things together as a family in order to create a good relational environment for our family.  We are not a perfect family because we still have our share of family problems and misunderstandings with each other, but we never allow anything to rip us apart.  We are well connected relationally together because of the things we did as a family.  What we practiced as a family is what I would call ingredients for having a close knit family.

The word ingredient usually refers to the different elements that make up a recipe for baking and cooking things like a cake.  If you have ever have baked a cake before you understand that you typically follow a recipe that calls for different types of ingredients.  These ingredients are needed in order to bake a cake successfully.  When baking a cake you need different ingredients like flour, eggs, milk, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, etc.  When you mix all of the ingredients together, and follow the baking instructions once the cake is finished baking, if you have followed the directions correctly you should have a nice moist cake.  Additionally, when we are intentional about discovering and practicing the right ingredients that will help us build a good family relationship with each other, it can work towards us having a close knit family. 

My wife and I put into practice several ingredients that we thought were needed to produce a close knit family.  We did certain things as a family while our children were young growing up, and others we are still doing them now.  I asked my wife and children to give me their opinion of the ingredients they thought helped us have a close knit family:

1.      Our love and respect for one another.

2.      Eating meals together as a family and having conversation around the meal table.

3.      Taking vacations together as a family.

4.      Being open and honest with one another.

5.      The assurance of being able to share your feelings without being judged.

6.      Playing card and board games together.

7.      Watching movies at home together.

8.      Going out to eat and to the movies together as a family.

When our family overtime practiced these ingredients for having a close knit family, it caused us to connect together relationally with each other.  Also, I believe the closeness that we experienced together was a by-product of what the Bible calls “unity”.  Unity means “oneness”, and it can cause us to have oneness in our marriage and family.  On the other hand disunity means “a lack of oneness", and it can cause us to have chaos in our marriage and family.  As parents we had to model a close knit relationship with each other by practicing the right ingredients, in order for our children to see what kind of family relationship we could experience together.  As a result we have developed such a close family today that even with our children being young adults, they still love doing all of the things I mentioned on my list together as a family.  Unity helped us to have oneness, and that oneness has sustained a close knit family relationship for us. 

So you might ask yourself “How can I have a close knit family?”, and “What ingredients can I practice in my family?”  Well, if you are married I encourage you to sit down with your spouse and come up with a list of ingredients that you think can help build a close family.  If you are a single parent I encourage you to try to come up with a list of ingredients that can help you build a close family.  Commit to practicing and modeling the ingredients in your home before your children, so you can give them a picture of what they can experience in a close knit family.  God created the family unit so we could connect with one another emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.  Let’s begin to enjoy the close knit family relationship that we were created for, today. 

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions, or feedback.

CONNECTING WITH MY CHILDREN

In my last blog I shared about connecting with my wife and today I want to talk about connecting with my children.  I must say my wife and I are truly blessed to have three children that God has given to us, two daughters and a son.  Their ages are 18, 24, and 27.  When I became a father, I knew I had to take my job as a parent serious in order to become the best dad I wanted to be for my children, just like my father demonstrated before me.  In fact the two greatest things that give me the most satisfaction and joy in life are my relationship with God and my family.  I believe the only reason why I have the kind of relationship with my family is because of my relationship with God.  I had to work hard on connecting with my children in order to have the type of crazy and fun loving family I have today.   

Connecting with our children is about identifying with them.  This includes areas such as the things they’re going through in life whether good or bad, empathizing with them about their feelings, entering into their world, and validating their feelings to understand them.  I learned the importance of connecting with my children in order to have a good relationship with them, by my father’s example of connecting with his children.  My parents were married and had three sons.  My mother and father loved us and they tried to connect with us the best way they knew how.  My father made an effort to connect with us by spending time with us when he came home from work, talking to us, and taking us on trips.  My father made sacrifices to have a great family.

That’s why I have made a conscious effort through the years to connect with my children.  I have made a practice of scheduling time on my calendar to take each one of them out separately, so we can connect relationally. I take my daughters out on dates and hang out with my son.  Even now as my children are young adults I am still continuously building an authentic relationship with them.  We have the kind of loving relationship where they’re comfortable sharing with me their true feelings without being judged, and talk to me about what’s going on in their lives.  Also, I know I can impart wisdom into their lives when they desire my opinion and advice.  We have the type of relationship where we can speak the truth in love to one another.  It is my desire to be well connected with my children spiritually, relationally, and emotionally in their lives.

As parents we are the key factors when it comes to our daughters and sons having stable lives emotionally and relationally.  It is important that we take time to connect with them.  I believe when God created the family, He gave us the responsibility of caring and being active in our children lives.  Children are not a burden but a blessing.  In fact in the Bible, Psalm 127:3 tell us “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from Him. 

As fathers we have the responsibility to connect with our children in order to build a strong healthy relationship with them.  This allows them to know that we care about what’s going on in their lives.  I am not saying mothers aren’t important when it comes to connecting with your children.  But, I do believe some of the problems we are experiencing as a society today of so many dysfunctional families is due to the epidemic of absent dads.  As dads we need to take steps to become active in our children lives by doing simple things like taking them out to eat, talking with them, playing video games with them (if they’re into it), doing outside activities with them, and going to events they are involved in like sports, dance, cheerleading, band, or whatever they’re participating in.  Over time as you connect well with your children and build an authentic relationship with them, they will begin to share with you what’s going on in their lives and look to you for advice.  Here’s a quote from a young lady named Stella Payton that says “Beautiful is the man who leaves a legacy that of shared love and life. It is he who transfers meaning, assigns significance and conveys in his loving touch the fine art and gentle shaping of a life. This man shall be called, Father.”  So as parents let’s take time and connect with our children.

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions or feedback. 

CONNECTING WITH MY WIFE

I remember a defining moment happened about four or five years into our marriage.  My wife was home with our first child Danielle.  Danielle had just been born, and at the time Donna desired to be a stay home mom in order to raise our daughter.  The Lord had blessed me where I was able to change jobs and make a decent salary for my wife to come off her job.  One day when I came home from work as soon as I walked into the house my wife approached me holding Danielle in her arms.  My wife said hello and then passed our daughter to me.  She said to me, I have been home with Danielle all day, and I need a break.  She said to me, it is time for you to have some quality time with your daughter.  I watched my wife leave us as she went into another room of the house to relax.  I looked at my daughter and said, I guess it is just you and me kid.  Let’s spend some quality time together.  Now, I could have gotten mad with my wife and said to her “What are you doing?  Don’t you know I worked hard today at work and I deserve a break myself?  Besides you’re the one that who wanted to stay at home.”   Instead, I gladly grabbed my daughter and started playing with her.  I even started singing to the point that I made up a song called “Quality time with Danielle.”  So every day when I came home, I made it a practice to give my wife a break and spend that time with my daughter.  

I tell that story for a reason, which is the main topic of this week’s blog entitled “Connecting With My Wife.”  In this blog I want to share with husbands the importance of connecting with your wife.  In general connecting with people is more than just talking to someone, but it is identifying with them about what they are going through, it is empathizing with them about what they are feeling, it is entering into their world, and it is validating their feelings and understanding them.  

My mentor John C. Maxwell, who is a well-known author and speaker on the subject of leadership, wrote on the topic of connecting with people in his book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”.   In the section called “The Law of Connection”, he said “Leaders touch a heart before they ask for a hand.”  Here he spoke about the importance of connecting with people on an emotional level because it helps you to understand their feelings, and allows you to touch their heart showing that you care about them even before you ask anything from them.  Now you might say isn’t this referring to a person who is a leader on their job, or who is in a leadership position?  The answer is “no” because we all are leaders in one way or another, whether on our jobs or in our home.  Leadership is influence.  He goes on to say “When it comes to working with people, the heart comes before the head.  That’s true whether you are communicating to a stadium full of people, leading a team meeting, or trying to relate to your spouse.” 

When connecting with someone especially your spouse, you need go where they are emotionally, and focus on them and not yourself.  You need to be in tune to them and their needs, and not just yours.   Referring back to the story, my wife was communicating that she needed me when she wanted me to take our daughter.  Instead of getting mad at her, I chose to connect with her, stepping into her world in order to understand what she was feeling.  In fact the Bible, in 1 Peter 3:7 God says “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives.  Treat your wife with understanding as you live together.”  In other words that means as husbands, we have the responsibility to understand our wives and connect with them emotionally, and as a result we will be able to understand each other.  I love my wife and it is my desire to be connected with her spiritually, relationally, and emotionally where we are one.  My wife and I are intentional when it comes to staying connected with each other.  We talk to each other daily, and twice a month we go out for date nights.  We use this time to find out what’s going on in one another’s life so we can stay connected to each other.  So husbands, I want to ask “What are you doing to stay connected with your wife?”  I would suggest you start by talking to your wife and let her tell you of ways that you can connect with her.  Maybe it begins with talking to your wife daily to find out what’s happening in her life, and finding time to go out on dates like you did before you got married.  If you stay connected with your wife it will help you to bond with her, and cause both of you as a married couple to understand and connect together emotionally.    

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions or feedback.   

THE FACTORS THAT HAS HELPED MY MARRIAGE LAST 30 YEARS

My wife and I just celebrated our 30^th wedding anniversary on October 6, 2014.  When I think of the many years that have past being married to this gorgeous young lady named Donna, I know it’s only because of God’s blessings we have endured together through the good and bad times.  A lot of marriages don’t even last this long, but I am thankful that we just don’t exist with each other, but we are happily married.  For our 30^th anniversary I wanted to make that weekend special and memorable for my wife, so each morning when my honey woke up I left a card with a hand written note.  Each day also included gifts as well as an activity that we did together such as a movie, dinner, an overnight hotel stay, a surprise dinner prepared by our children, and ending our anniversary weekend with a tour of Annapolis and lunch at a restaurant on Monday.

There are many factors that have gone into helping us to build a successful marriage.  When we look at the word "factor" it means one of the elements contributing to a particular result or situation.  In other words a factor can be one of the reasons why we are getting certain results in life, which usually involves our actions.  Our actions whether positive or negative can become the factors that contribute to what we experience in our friendships, dating relationships, and our marriage. 

When my wife and I were dating there were some things that were major factors that went into building the kind of marriage we desired and have today.  Here are just three that we practiced:

1.     Our faith and love for God.  I can truly say our faith and love for God is the major factor for the relationship we have in our marriage, because we both had to learn how to love each other.  I believe God instructs us to love one another unconditionally meaning with no strings attached just like He loved us, by unselfishly giving us His son Jesus in order to have a relationship with us.  In other words before God received anything from us, He gave, so we must put away our selfish “me” first attitude of always having to be pleased, and adopt a “give” first attitude of seeking to please others.  Selfishness always fights against unconditional love and destroys relationships.  When I was dating Donna I saw how she loved God and I said to myself if she loved God like that I know she would love me.  As her husband I have learned when I do my part and unselfishly love my wife the way I should, I know that she will love me unselfishly as well.     

2.     We became friends before becoming lovers.  Another factor that contributed to us having a lasting marriage is the fact that we built a strong friendship.  We could be honest with one another being able to speak the truth in love.  I can truly say that my wife is my best friend who has my best interests in mind, and vice versa, she knows that I have her best interest in mind.  We took time getting to know one another such as our likes and dislikes, our life desires and ambitions, the things we had in common, and our families.  Also we learned how to talk to each other respectfully, how to have fun together, being able to laugh at things, not taking things to seriously, and importantly how to end our day without being angry with each other.  Too many times once sex enters into a dating relationship it changes the dynamics of the relationship, because it can take away from couples being honest and transparent with each other about their true feelings.  This is why my wife and I took our time to learn one another and not rush into things.  I believe not having sex before marriage helped us.

3.     Having married couples as mentors that we could look up to for advice.  As a young couple having people who had successful marriages and who were successful at raising children was key.  It was important to our success to associate with people who had achieved the things that we wanted to obtain.  A couple that impacted our life attended the same church we did.  They mentored us by opening up their lives and their home.  They showed us how a husband and wife should love one another unconditionally, what it took to parent children especially teenagers – THANK THE LORD, how to successfully handle conflict in marriage, and how you can have fun and develop a close knit family that can last.  They mentored us and we are better for it today.  

These key factors along with some others that I didn’t mention have contributed to my marriage success.  Some couples base their dating relationships on a person’s good looks, how much money someone makes, the type of car a person drives, the type of place they live in, or even the kind of sex they experience.  These can become factors that we build our relationships on and then carry them into our marriage.  If those factors are not strong enough to endure the difficult times that come with marriage, then the relationship won’t last.  So the question you must ask yourself is: “What are the factors I am building my relationships on that are causing my results?”

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions or feedback.